From the depths of hell I stab at my self...

On your belly
"Crawl, crawl fucker"
He tastes my boot
As I condemn
His actions
His deeds
I punish him for his crimes

In the corner...

In your corner
Your designated place
You create worlds
Paint your mind
With brilliant colours
Outside the lines
Tracing the soft tissues
Your finger penetrates
And leads you down
Into the depths
Your dark places
The images here are matte
Absorbing all light
You fumble around
On your hand and knees
The ground is sharp
Stones from the past
Cut your hands
The brambles and nettles
Prick your heart
A voice unequivocal but remote
Comes to your ears
A song
Lifting you up
Out of the dangers of your past
Out of the darkness that you hide
In your corner
Your designated place

Regeneration...

Burnt

The smell

Like charred hair and flesh

My soul

Is black and shriveled 

Too often

Have I let another

Dictate

My destiny 

Hide

Hermitage 

Like a forest

Let the fire

Make way for new growth

New buds 

Are sprouting 

And

Its Spring

Again

Future...

Space

To help

Get use to

When I am gone

Afraid

To be apart

To grow apart

Afraid 

To be together

To take

Her uniqueness

For granted

Her love

Assumed

Distanced from her

But not from her love

The knowledge 

That we will be together

Again

In the scope

It is but a moment

Apart

But we have 

Eternity

Missing you...

I just turned and walked away
Fool!
You fool!
If you had just asked her to hold you she might have
Step after step
Down the stairs

The night seems cold
As I get in my car
I realize we need this
But my mind keeps racing

Drive
Just drive
I go in search for I know not what
I know now
I was looking for the place
It might have been the first time I realized
I love her

Our field
Over looking all
Everything was so fresh then
Now I can't seem to find it
The darkness clouds my memory

I drive
In search for sleep
But find only my thoughts
They give me little comfort
Except
Maybe
Tomorrow I might ask her to hold me once more

Alter...

Struggle
struggle
overcome

Change your colours
the texture of your thoughts
they are no longer synthetic
natural

not disheartened
not ashamed
actions speak louder
no words spoke
just a tender touch
your soul warmed over

hinder yourself no longer
give up your inhibitions
give up the barrier that holds you back
and gain the world

In The Night...

Beat to death
sleeping on a bench
the nation's best
hired to protect
mercilessly
destroyed

The woman
a witness
taken within an inch

The men
young
will they pay for the crime
or be free
to blot out another

Help...

The drugs in my veins
change me
help me deal with reality
but I live in a haze
though once in a while I see a glimmer of light
it's fleeting
twice a day I consume them
or do they consume me?
round and round
circular thinking
I am but a shadow
a wisp of what I use to be
a shadow
a wisp
I fade in my memory

Death Defying...

Throw yourself onto the fire
smother the flames of hell
curse the darkness
carry the world on your shoulders
swear on the bible "there is no God"
bleed for the ones you love
for the ones who can't fight for themselves
who can't help themselves
take on the sinner's burdens
realize that in all the world
you are really alone

Unable...

Trapped within myself
unable to scream

witness to gross injustice
suffering
unable to fight it

discrimination
inequality
damage
unable to heal it


villainy
violation
carnage
unable to do a God damn thing


I am scared
scared of it all
it consumes me
I can't control myself
unable to even scream

The Word...

I am beginning to hate the word love
some use the word to describe how they feel
when they have a crush
some when they lust
when they are infatuated
when they respect or even idolize

Maybe I should stop using the word love
a new word
truelove
because what I feel is unlike what I see in others
the only time I see it
is in fairytales

Maybe I am seen by them the same way
maybe they feel the same way
but then why would they treat each other so?

Where's it going...

I sit here

listening to my past

visions creep into my eyes

from my subconscious

What I thought would be

has not come to pass

but my visions remind me

Remind me once again

that time goes fast

too fast

When all's said and done

death will have us

Pictures from the past

people I once hated

become wisps

people I was once close to

I no longer recognize

Distanced

distanced from my past

never have I been more myself

never have I been so lost

I am but a witness to my life

I watch as it all passes by

sounds

visions

I can feel what it's like

To be touched

and held

I use to cry over my past

my present 

my future

Now I am numb to it

all

all

it all becomes witness to me

I achieve

and file it away in a drawer

don't except

forget

Witness to my life

who can know what the past thinks?

the present grates on me

but I can't feel it

witness

I lean on the future

and fall as it gives out on me

like so many

ill constructed 

plans

Shake it off

shake it off

SHAKE IT OFF

Feel again God damn it

the drugs

are they to blame?

Control

control

Without control 

I slip

slip into what?

into the unknown

Numbness is familiar

could pain come?

could pleasure?

It's worth the risk

Walking...

Friends unfamiliar
Old allegiances questioned
Family with barriers
I walk the street at night
What's around the corner?
A pimp?
Theives?
Murders?
People who are going to drug me and take me to a rundown hotel and cut me open and harvest my organs and I will wake up in a bathtub full of ice and have stitches all over my body and be in dire need of medical assitance?
Just another empty street...
It's different then the one I was just on but I think everything will be ok.

Life...

God damn life is good.
I love being able to:
Get up in the morning a look myself in the mirror
Drive myself to school not need a ride
Learn and not be over welmed
Not drop out of school but keep at it even if it's a shit day
Interact with classmates and instructors without panicing (too much)
Going home and sharing a cup of tea with my Dad
Making a good meal for the ones that I love
Spending time with my lady friend...we can do almost anything together and its fun
Having someone to kiss goodnight

In short I like my life and everyday is becoming easier to live.

Beside the road...

I try to live
by the rules
but I am
by the roadside

I wait
for a boost
for a lift

some say
I am by
the road
by choice

but someone has come
to help
and I am
once again on the road

not alone
we travel
down the road
we choose

our destination
unknown

if it's the journey
and the company
then I am
consider
myself
lucky

Blemishes add to character...

Multifaceted
like so many things
precious
beaming
shining

Matched
pair
not longer hidden
away
not to be owned


Their makeup
taken individually
does not determine value


The whole
makes them
invaluable

Darkness
clouds
their past

Now
in the light
exposed
like no other

The First Week Of Spring...

My past seems distant
And the future seems near
All things merge

Now the dream is beginning
I must be asleep
I rise from the depths

I fly
Past the grey towers
With her I find something closer
Then I thought

Isolated
Only her and I
All things seem right

Reality comes too soon
But it's different now
My dreams and reality mix
Turning

Stretching out before us
The world
Growing warmer

Unable to think of anything
But her
Her
Her

We travel
Tangently
Outside of the circle

It comes to the time to turn back
But my life has changed
Our lives

Two
Intertwined
Like a helix

We chose the path together
And fate will pick the destination

I am no longer scared

Hungry...

Lean and hungry look

Such men are dangerous

Such men as me

Getting greedy for a good thing

So sweet but it doesn't rot the teeth

It gets the gears going

Spinning faster

Working hard

In my mind

Addiction?

Lean and hungry

Dangerous

Me

Possibilities enter the picture

The frame stretches 

The frame shrinks

All the world encompassed in a single dot

A circle

Grow and shrink

To the rhythm 

The rhythm of her heart

Pulse, pulse

The life blood of the world

Greedy again

The hunger grows

The burden of knowing I am wanted

I am needed

To know that I make a difference

My old building and loan pal

The greed expands

Growing

Taking over my life

To say hello

To spare some change

To give without question or judgement

Hungry

Hungry for change

Looming over me

This cloud follows overhead 

It can't rain all the time

Scatter

Breakthrough 

The light warms me over and gives me strength

All I know is what I experience

The world only exists through the senses

It's all in my head

The world

On my shoulders

I am Atlas

I am my world and I can change it

The power lies in me to bare this burden

To hold it up high

To say ''this is me, lean and hungry, in us lies the power and you can not stop the change!"

Lean and hungry

She calms the storm 

My pulse is faster

For a time I can relax

With her

Experience

The love

For me

For you

For everyone who ever cried

Once you have a taste for it

You are going to get hungry for it

You will get greedy for it

You WILL want it everyday

To the pain...

I express myself in metaphors and movie quotes

Vague and witty

I baffle them and distract them with laughter

I am more confused then them though

And I force myself to laugh

"That's it" I say

"Go on and fool yourself"

I fool myself into thinking I don't know what's going on

Fool into thinking I don't hurt anymore

Fool, fool

The dull pain lingers

Reminding me

To sit up straight

Eat my vegetables

Get good grades

Believe in yourself

That's the hard one

Oh, and don't show weakness

Act normal

But no more hiding behind weak metaphors and quotes

This is me and I hurt

Revive me...

She threw my love into the sea

To wash away all traces of me

But sometimes when she's alone

She goes to my grave and weeps

Her tears drop onto the ground

And seep through the earth to me

Reviving me

When she is gone to her new lover

And the moon is out

I rise from my slumber again

I stalk the streets looking for her

And find eventually 

The house

Our house

Key still in a flower pot

The door opens

Into the abode I saunter

It smells of lilies

Of her

The rooms are dark

But I have no trouble seeing

The bedroom is warm

Warmth I haven't felt in so long

She lies sleeping

But beside her is another

Anger grows

Unable to speak

I pick at his mind

She awakes shrieking

For an instant

She recognizes me

But the morning sun in coming

And the birds sing

I flee to the yard again

And I am left but a memory...haunting

Cracked...

Now cracks a noble head

Once thought noble anyway

Now fallen from the pedestal 

Down to Earth he falls

Now like Mr. Dumpty

Broken...

Waiting for the King's men

But the men are all old and withered 

It's a new world and we are all equal

No King now, no nobility

We will help you up

And getting up you dust yourself off

And find you're not cracked

No more a bust of marble but a man of flesh

Not as far to fall and more likely to have someone

Willing to catch you

This Mirror...

I hide behind this mirror

I hide so that all you can see is your reflection

I want you to see beauty

To see yourself

I hide behind this mirror

I hide behind this mirror

I hide because I am scared

Scared to see myself

That I have faults

That I make mistakes

That I might be worthy of forgiveness 

I hide behind this mirror

I must face you

I must face the world

I must see myself

And in doing so I find that we are all worthy

Soon...

Death, it surrounds me

But I guess that's the cycle

Death, rebirth, death, rebirth

How many times will I have to live this life?

Is there something I am missing?

Do I have to get it right to get out of here?

Get what right?

I am a good person

Honest, loyal, trustworthy, compassionate

Sure I have my faults but everyone does

Do I have to be Mother Theresa?

The Pope?

In a world where evil is rewarded

And the good are made to suffer

We purify ourselves with pain and misery 

You never know when the end will come

But you pray it happens soon

The bitch is back...

spoken: I went away and came back drunk

Cause she bothered me every night

I wouldn't give her more money to go shopping

And she said things that weren't so nice

The bitch is back and there's gonna be trouble

(hey-la, hey-la, the bitch is back)

When I see her coming I cut out on the double

(hey-la, hey-la, the bitch is back)

She was spreading lies that I was untrue

(hey-la, hey-la, the bitch is back)

She is coming back for more but I've paid my dues

(hey-la, hey-la, the bitch is back)

Hey, I know what she's been trying

And I know where she's been lying

She's been away for such a long time

(hey-la, hey-la, the bitch is back)

Now she's back and messing with my mind

(hey-la, hey-la, the bitch is back)

Now I am sorry I ever was with her

(hey-la, hey-la, the bitch is back)

She maxed out my card and bought a new fur

(hey-la, hey-la, the bitch is back)

Now I know she was cheating

And that bitch deserves a good beating

What was I thinking to believe all her lies?

(Aah-ooh, aah-ooh)

I was a big man but she cut me down to size

(Aah-ooh, aah-ooh)

Oh God!

The bitch is back, she's gonna ruin my reputation

(hey-la, hey-la, the bitch is back)

She stole my card and took a vacation

(hey-la, hey-la, the bitch is back)

Hey, I can see her coming

Now I better take off a running

(Aah-ooh, aah-ooh)

(Aah-ooh)

Lord help me!

The bitch is back, she's gonna ruin my reputation

(hey-la, hey-la, the bitch is back)

Yeah, my bitch is back

Well look out now, my bitch is back

Well, I could see her coming

This time SHE better start a running

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

The bitch is back...