Becoming worthy...

I am more then a little scared. When things seem to be going right the world tends to fall out from under me and I am left withering, alone, in a dark place. Maybe things are different now. That's a dangerous thought. But people are here to support me and I am willing to except their help for a change. I trip and they are there. I fall and they offer me a hand up. I make many mistakes . To err is human, I guess, but to forgive is divine. I am often almost overcome with emotion in public places. I think of them and I am shaken. Tears well up but I hold them back. I don't know if I am worthy of this forgiveness and understanding. I am confounded, perplexed...unworthy. Sometimes I take comfort in rejection. I have failed and should accept my dues. Pay the price for my sins. I am full of guilt, disappoinment (in myself), and only through suffering can I find release. Or so I thought...maybe, maybe someday I can be in a position to help everyone the way they help me. Maybe punishment isn't what I need but release through selflessness. Love is overwhelming me but again I am scared. Scared that if I allow myself to feel again that I will only end up on my ass. I often saw myself as Charlie Brown growing up. Blind trust can hurt. Will I ever feel good about myself? For years I look for another that could understand me and now it is unbelieveable. The feeling of finding someone is so remarkable and when I had only a crumb of hope left. Did I just say that? She IS remarkable, amazing, awesome...but if she is my soulmate and I see some characteristics of me in her (and her in me) does that mean maybe I might be as worthy of love as she? She makes me feel worthy when I hold her in my arms at night. She sleeps with her head on my chest...and again I am overwelmed. But the morning comes all too soon and we release each other into the world again. Love gets me through the day and in love lies the hope.