Keep On Trucking...

It seems to me that those who tried the hardest to do what is good for others...to do the right thing, end up getting the short end of the stick. In a world where idoits and the greedy get promoted at an astownding pace the rest of us end up having to take sick or disability leave. Maybe we just bang our heads up against the wall trying to even get the simpliest things done. Things that seem like they should be simply are extremely difficult and things that seem moderate are impossible. Was it always this way? I guess it depends on what you are trying to accomplish. I know of someone who is on stress leave (whether it was his and his doctors idea or his work's idea I don't know). This is a person who is just trying to do what is best for the most of the people in his work life and because it is next to impossible to get things changed the stress just got to be too much. I know of another person who's worry about the family and job caused them to take time off work. Yet another person tried for years to do a job that they found to be torturous and in the end their mental health suffered permanent damage. These are all good people who just care too much and end up getting the shaft. No one but those who have been in this situation seem to understand and I don't know if I want them to...well I want them to but sometimes in order to understand you have to suffer like those people and I wouldn't wish that on anyone. I have to admit I am biased. Too many people in my life suffer from mental health isssues (some of which are biological and some are induced but negative situations). I myself have suffered from mental health issues for... well almost as long as I can remember. Some days even getting out of beed and showering can be a problem. I have been taking medication off and on since I was in...elementary school I believe. I have been on medication from 2003 straight until now and recently have been put on another. Sometimes I feel so sedated...I have trouble staying awake (I use to sleep for 12 hours or more somedays), my concintration is shot and I have trouble with drooling to name a few. I don't like feeling this way and I still have trouble doing some everyday things but I consider the alturnative. Manic depressive, schiztypal, psychotic, anxiety, stress, many different phobias, paraniod, obssesive compulsive to name a few. I scare me. I need the drugs to help me live with myself. I need the therapy to help me deal with what happens to me. I recently had a break down and had an emergency meeting with my doctor and he said I should take time off work and go on disability. Seems simple enough. I went to work and told them, seems simple enough (actually it was very difficult). I have to use up my sick leave before I can go on disability. Ok. I still have yet to rreceive and money for that and I can't call or go into work to talk to them because it is so difficult. I have to get others to help me and fight my battles... sometimes being either way is difficult. Lately I have often thought about cuting myself and sometimes I think about ending it all. But that is the easy way right? So I go through torture everyday and hope for some kind off change or relief. My brother stopped me from killing myself before and that had to be for some reason, right? I go one for the people I love...living for others is easier than living for myself because hey I am not worth it. Wow this turned into something I didnt mean it to... and since I try to do this without editing I will leave it in and leave you until next time by saying "lean on me if youre not strong" because lord knows you let me lean on you.