a meal...

take a slice of life
eat it up
dulls the hunger
but not enough to satisfy
bite off more then you can chew
then choke
but this meal is not for me
it is rotten
bitter
i starve myself
life is for the weak
for me there is deaths

desert...

the desert
dry, barren
drastic changes
warm and bright
the dull darkness can be dangerous
unexpected threats
minimalist survival
uninviting
few pass this way
those who do, hesitate
be prepared
know what you get yourself into
it doesn't know when it's coming
lashing out
a storm turns the desert upside down
it passes
it has changed
volatile
but the desert remains

there is only the world...

no map, no compass, no signs
fumbled around the world
the red woods made me feel small
the pyramids made me feel insignificant
the great wall made me feel unguarded
the oceans made me feel shallow
armies of children, Auschwitz, Chernobyl, Hiroshima
i knew there was no god

empty...

leech my life away
you bitch
suck my dreams
as they begin to form in front of my eyes
gnaw my bones to stop me from growing
claw at my mind
stealing my memories
tare
rip
slice
my very soul away
you left me an empty vessel
and you blame me for everything

Mania and Dilutions...

I climbed a mountain
That walking on water feeling
The power
The strength
The mania

I made the river red
I parted the sea
The power
The strength
The mania

I cured cancer
I won the Nobel Prize
The power
The strength
The mania

I pressed the button
I dropped the bomb
The power
The strength
The mania

I created the Earth, light, everything
On the 7th day I rested
The power
The strength
The mania

At either end...

As a child I crawled into a culvert
I went into the tunnel
After a while it grew dark
The stones bruised my hands and knees
The water chilled me
It wasn't until then that I realized
What it was like to be alone
That I was alone
The day still sticks with me
When I have time to think
I am in that tunnel again
Alone
A small spot of light at either end
It's impossible to turn around
So I go forward
And hope that when this ends
I won't be alone

Memorial...

in the park stands a memorial
not proud, not meager, but forgotten
sheltered from the world
a figure rides astride a horse
rearing
fallen in battle and misunderstood
the orders given to protect
were warped before they reached the ears of the followers
prejudiced, they destroy
fallen but they fight in the name
but they forget
the memorial is forgotten
on it is a plaque and there it is written
here lies God

The Library...

All the world is a library

And we are all books

Or so you seem to think

You walk around to the places that interest you

Home improvement

Philosophy

Fantasy

You look at the books as you pass by

And sometimes one grabs you eye

The title

The look

Pick it up

Read the dust cover

Find out what it is about

After a bit you might even open it up 

See what's under the cover

In the pages here and there

And when you find one that suits 

You take it home

But not for long

When you are done you take it back

You keep looking

For another book

Life..

The Great Hill

When you start the view is amazing

And the world seems so big

As you begin to go down the hill 

You encounter bumps and small stones

They throw you off

But the wind on your face lets you know you're alive

After a bit you get use to the speed

And you want more

You peddle faster

Look at you go

But take care

Not too fast or you will miss it

You go off jumps

Tricks that once seemed difficult

Are now performed with ease

Too busy with what you are doing

Don't forget about the world

Too late

Too fast

Half way down already

You don't notice the view

The road is your focus

The rut you are in

The home stretch

It seemed so smooth from the top

It seemed so easy

But you notice every bump

You are sore

Near the end

The hill seemed so big

But it's gone now

And you just taste the ground

A key...

Just because I can come and go

Doesn't mean I am free to leave

A prison without bars they say

You are on the other side

But I am the one who counts the days

You have distractions

And I have these walls

There are windows though from which I can see the world

But it doesn't pass me by

There are things to do here but I can't

Waiting to see what you are doing

Plan my life around your day

And you seem to sense it

When I stop thinking and start doing

You call

God damn them all...

I was told
Opposing views
Opinions biased
Advice turning me astray
Guidance leading to disaster

You deceitful bastards
Betray my faith
But deceive me no longer

Grit my teeth
Bite the lip
Blood drips as I
Take responsibility

Mislaid
I have made mistakes
But I am lost no longer

Connect...

Sing
Sing out loud
Scream
And let yourself be heard

Fight
Out of this box
Burst
Into the world again

Stand
Up to the ones
Who
Trample down
Dreams

Do more
Then shake your fist
Shake up
Institutions

Connect
With your garbageman
The business woman on the bus
Squeegee kids on the street
The old man struggling to climb the stairs

Let yourself show
Creativity comes from the heart
You can't be happy all the time
But damn close
If you allow yourself to be human

From the depths of hell I stab at my self...

On your belly
"Crawl, crawl fucker"
He tastes my boot
As I condemn
His actions
His deeds
I punish him for his crimes

In the corner...

In your corner
Your designated place
You create worlds
Paint your mind
With brilliant colours
Outside the lines
Tracing the soft tissues
Your finger penetrates
And leads you down
Into the depths
Your dark places
The images here are matte
Absorbing all light
You fumble around
On your hand and knees
The ground is sharp
Stones from the past
Cut your hands
The brambles and nettles
Prick your heart
A voice unequivocal but remote
Comes to your ears
A song
Lifting you up
Out of the dangers of your past
Out of the darkness that you hide
In your corner
Your designated place

Regeneration...

Burnt

The smell

Like charred hair and flesh

My soul

Is black and shriveled 

Too often

Have I let another

Dictate

My destiny 

Hide

Hermitage 

Like a forest

Let the fire

Make way for new growth

New buds 

Are sprouting 

And

Its Spring

Again

Future...

Space

To help

Get use to

When I am gone

Afraid

To be apart

To grow apart

Afraid 

To be together

To take

Her uniqueness

For granted

Her love

Assumed

Distanced from her

But not from her love

The knowledge 

That we will be together

Again

In the scope

It is but a moment

Apart

But we have 

Eternity

Missing you...

I just turned and walked away
Fool!
You fool!
If you had just asked her to hold you she might have
Step after step
Down the stairs

The night seems cold
As I get in my car
I realize we need this
But my mind keeps racing

Drive
Just drive
I go in search for I know not what
I know now
I was looking for the place
It might have been the first time I realized
I love her

Our field
Over looking all
Everything was so fresh then
Now I can't seem to find it
The darkness clouds my memory

I drive
In search for sleep
But find only my thoughts
They give me little comfort
Except
Maybe
Tomorrow I might ask her to hold me once more

Alter...

Struggle
struggle
overcome

Change your colours
the texture of your thoughts
they are no longer synthetic
natural

not disheartened
not ashamed
actions speak louder
no words spoke
just a tender touch
your soul warmed over

hinder yourself no longer
give up your inhibitions
give up the barrier that holds you back
and gain the world

In The Night...

Beat to death
sleeping on a bench
the nation's best
hired to protect
mercilessly
destroyed

The woman
a witness
taken within an inch

The men
young
will they pay for the crime
or be free
to blot out another

Help...

The drugs in my veins
change me
help me deal with reality
but I live in a haze
though once in a while I see a glimmer of light
it's fleeting
twice a day I consume them
or do they consume me?
round and round
circular thinking
I am but a shadow
a wisp of what I use to be
a shadow
a wisp
I fade in my memory

Death Defying...

Throw yourself onto the fire
smother the flames of hell
curse the darkness
carry the world on your shoulders
swear on the bible "there is no God"
bleed for the ones you love
for the ones who can't fight for themselves
who can't help themselves
take on the sinner's burdens
realize that in all the world
you are really alone

Unable...

Trapped within myself
unable to scream

witness to gross injustice
suffering
unable to fight it

discrimination
inequality
damage
unable to heal it


villainy
violation
carnage
unable to do a God damn thing


I am scared
scared of it all
it consumes me
I can't control myself
unable to even scream

The Word...

I am beginning to hate the word love
some use the word to describe how they feel
when they have a crush
some when they lust
when they are infatuated
when they respect or even idolize

Maybe I should stop using the word love
a new word
truelove
because what I feel is unlike what I see in others
the only time I see it
is in fairytales

Maybe I am seen by them the same way
maybe they feel the same way
but then why would they treat each other so?

Where's it going...

I sit here

listening to my past

visions creep into my eyes

from my subconscious

What I thought would be

has not come to pass

but my visions remind me

Remind me once again

that time goes fast

too fast

When all's said and done

death will have us

Pictures from the past

people I once hated

become wisps

people I was once close to

I no longer recognize

Distanced

distanced from my past

never have I been more myself

never have I been so lost

I am but a witness to my life

I watch as it all passes by

sounds

visions

I can feel what it's like

To be touched

and held

I use to cry over my past

my present 

my future

Now I am numb to it

all

all

it all becomes witness to me

I achieve

and file it away in a drawer

don't except

forget

Witness to my life

who can know what the past thinks?

the present grates on me

but I can't feel it

witness

I lean on the future

and fall as it gives out on me

like so many

ill constructed 

plans

Shake it off

shake it off

SHAKE IT OFF

Feel again God damn it

the drugs

are they to blame?

Control

control

Without control 

I slip

slip into what?

into the unknown

Numbness is familiar

could pain come?

could pleasure?

It's worth the risk

Walking...

Friends unfamiliar
Old allegiances questioned
Family with barriers
I walk the street at night
What's around the corner?
A pimp?
Theives?
Murders?
People who are going to drug me and take me to a rundown hotel and cut me open and harvest my organs and I will wake up in a bathtub full of ice and have stitches all over my body and be in dire need of medical assitance?
Just another empty street...
It's different then the one I was just on but I think everything will be ok.

Life...

God damn life is good.
I love being able to:
Get up in the morning a look myself in the mirror
Drive myself to school not need a ride
Learn and not be over welmed
Not drop out of school but keep at it even if it's a shit day
Interact with classmates and instructors without panicing (too much)
Going home and sharing a cup of tea with my Dad
Making a good meal for the ones that I love
Spending time with my lady friend...we can do almost anything together and its fun
Having someone to kiss goodnight

In short I like my life and everyday is becoming easier to live.

Beside the road...

I try to live
by the rules
but I am
by the roadside

I wait
for a boost
for a lift

some say
I am by
the road
by choice

but someone has come
to help
and I am
once again on the road

not alone
we travel
down the road
we choose

our destination
unknown

if it's the journey
and the company
then I am
consider
myself
lucky

Blemishes add to character...

Multifaceted
like so many things
precious
beaming
shining

Matched
pair
not longer hidden
away
not to be owned


Their makeup
taken individually
does not determine value


The whole
makes them
invaluable

Darkness
clouds
their past

Now
in the light
exposed
like no other

The First Week Of Spring...

My past seems distant
And the future seems near
All things merge

Now the dream is beginning
I must be asleep
I rise from the depths

I fly
Past the grey towers
With her I find something closer
Then I thought

Isolated
Only her and I
All things seem right

Reality comes too soon
But it's different now
My dreams and reality mix
Turning

Stretching out before us
The world
Growing warmer

Unable to think of anything
But her
Her
Her

We travel
Tangently
Outside of the circle

It comes to the time to turn back
But my life has changed
Our lives

Two
Intertwined
Like a helix

We chose the path together
And fate will pick the destination

I am no longer scared

Hungry...

Lean and hungry look

Such men are dangerous

Such men as me

Getting greedy for a good thing

So sweet but it doesn't rot the teeth

It gets the gears going

Spinning faster

Working hard

In my mind

Addiction?

Lean and hungry

Dangerous

Me

Possibilities enter the picture

The frame stretches 

The frame shrinks

All the world encompassed in a single dot

A circle

Grow and shrink

To the rhythm 

The rhythm of her heart

Pulse, pulse

The life blood of the world

Greedy again

The hunger grows

The burden of knowing I am wanted

I am needed

To know that I make a difference

My old building and loan pal

The greed expands

Growing

Taking over my life

To say hello

To spare some change

To give without question or judgement

Hungry

Hungry for change

Looming over me

This cloud follows overhead 

It can't rain all the time

Scatter

Breakthrough 

The light warms me over and gives me strength

All I know is what I experience

The world only exists through the senses

It's all in my head

The world

On my shoulders

I am Atlas

I am my world and I can change it

The power lies in me to bare this burden

To hold it up high

To say ''this is me, lean and hungry, in us lies the power and you can not stop the change!"

Lean and hungry

She calms the storm 

My pulse is faster

For a time I can relax

With her

Experience

The love

For me

For you

For everyone who ever cried

Once you have a taste for it

You are going to get hungry for it

You will get greedy for it

You WILL want it everyday

To the pain...

I express myself in metaphors and movie quotes

Vague and witty

I baffle them and distract them with laughter

I am more confused then them though

And I force myself to laugh

"That's it" I say

"Go on and fool yourself"

I fool myself into thinking I don't know what's going on

Fool into thinking I don't hurt anymore

Fool, fool

The dull pain lingers

Reminding me

To sit up straight

Eat my vegetables

Get good grades

Believe in yourself

That's the hard one

Oh, and don't show weakness

Act normal

But no more hiding behind weak metaphors and quotes

This is me and I hurt

Revive me...

She threw my love into the sea

To wash away all traces of me

But sometimes when she's alone

She goes to my grave and weeps

Her tears drop onto the ground

And seep through the earth to me

Reviving me

When she is gone to her new lover

And the moon is out

I rise from my slumber again

I stalk the streets looking for her

And find eventually 

The house

Our house

Key still in a flower pot

The door opens

Into the abode I saunter

It smells of lilies

Of her

The rooms are dark

But I have no trouble seeing

The bedroom is warm

Warmth I haven't felt in so long

She lies sleeping

But beside her is another

Anger grows

Unable to speak

I pick at his mind

She awakes shrieking

For an instant

She recognizes me

But the morning sun in coming

And the birds sing

I flee to the yard again

And I am left but a memory...haunting

Cracked...

Now cracks a noble head

Once thought noble anyway

Now fallen from the pedestal 

Down to Earth he falls

Now like Mr. Dumpty

Broken...

Waiting for the King's men

But the men are all old and withered 

It's a new world and we are all equal

No King now, no nobility

We will help you up

And getting up you dust yourself off

And find you're not cracked

No more a bust of marble but a man of flesh

Not as far to fall and more likely to have someone

Willing to catch you

This Mirror...

I hide behind this mirror

I hide so that all you can see is your reflection

I want you to see beauty

To see yourself

I hide behind this mirror

I hide behind this mirror

I hide because I am scared

Scared to see myself

That I have faults

That I make mistakes

That I might be worthy of forgiveness 

I hide behind this mirror

I must face you

I must face the world

I must see myself

And in doing so I find that we are all worthy

Soon...

Death, it surrounds me

But I guess that's the cycle

Death, rebirth, death, rebirth

How many times will I have to live this life?

Is there something I am missing?

Do I have to get it right to get out of here?

Get what right?

I am a good person

Honest, loyal, trustworthy, compassionate

Sure I have my faults but everyone does

Do I have to be Mother Theresa?

The Pope?

In a world where evil is rewarded

And the good are made to suffer

We purify ourselves with pain and misery 

You never know when the end will come

But you pray it happens soon

The bitch is back...

spoken: I went away and came back drunk

Cause she bothered me every night

I wouldn't give her more money to go shopping

And she said things that weren't so nice

The bitch is back and there's gonna be trouble

(hey-la, hey-la, the bitch is back)

When I see her coming I cut out on the double

(hey-la, hey-la, the bitch is back)

She was spreading lies that I was untrue

(hey-la, hey-la, the bitch is back)

She is coming back for more but I've paid my dues

(hey-la, hey-la, the bitch is back)

Hey, I know what she's been trying

And I know where she's been lying

She's been away for such a long time

(hey-la, hey-la, the bitch is back)

Now she's back and messing with my mind

(hey-la, hey-la, the bitch is back)

Now I am sorry I ever was with her

(hey-la, hey-la, the bitch is back)

She maxed out my card and bought a new fur

(hey-la, hey-la, the bitch is back)

Now I know she was cheating

And that bitch deserves a good beating

What was I thinking to believe all her lies?

(Aah-ooh, aah-ooh)

I was a big man but she cut me down to size

(Aah-ooh, aah-ooh)

Oh God!

The bitch is back, she's gonna ruin my reputation

(hey-la, hey-la, the bitch is back)

She stole my card and took a vacation

(hey-la, hey-la, the bitch is back)

Hey, I can see her coming

Now I better take off a running

(Aah-ooh, aah-ooh)

(Aah-ooh)

Lord help me!

The bitch is back, she's gonna ruin my reputation

(hey-la, hey-la, the bitch is back)

Yeah, my bitch is back

Well look out now, my bitch is back

Well, I could see her coming

This time SHE better start a running

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

The bitch is back...

It grips me again...

Havoc on my body. Slice. Rip. Tear. Cut. Mirror image. Tortured self. Hang me...out to dry...this blood off...my hands.

More than a little scared...

Change is coming over me now...it comes too fast. Have I lost control of myself? Have I slipped? I am happy now but this change reminds me of how easy it is to lose myself. Change...slowly....slowly. Too fast and I am lost. What lies over this ocean of change? I hope it is a new land ready to be explored and not the edge of the world.

Baby steps...

I am experiencing a new feeling. A feeling of happiness. I have been depressed and have had trouble getting out of bed or doing the simpliest things. Though I am happy now I still have trouble getting out of bed a dealing with reality. I am totally in love and when I am with her the "real world" fades to the point that I forget it exists. When I am not with her I sleep, perchance to dream of her, until I can see her again. Love and depression do not make me functionable in society. But maybe they aren't to blame. Maybe it's something else altogether. Is it a physical problem? Am I just lazy? Does living in a world where injustice thrives on the misery of others cause me to put up walls and hide because I feel impotent? It's never just one factor and if I just try to "fix" one part of the problem, the problem will still exist. Baby steps... baby step into the world...baby step into responsibility...baby step into a position where I can make a difference...baby step into......revolution? Hope drives me. I recently got a boost of hope when my best friend found some herself. Hope is something that has been on my mind for a while now. It really is amazing. If you share it with others it spreads and grows. It sustains us through hard times and helps us grow into who we want to be. I have hope in spades now but why can I still not be productive. I lack the drive to get myself on a path to the destination because it seems too far away. If accomplishment happened over night I guess everyone would do it. But maybe without realizing it I have already taken the first steps and though the destination is veiled from my eyes at least now I have someone to walk beside me.

Nosce Te Ipsum...

I grew up in a Christian home and there I found warmth and love. As I grew older I began to ask questions at sunday school. Questions which were not well recieved. I can remember one perticular sunday at church when I was asking too many questions about evolution. I was trying to work out a way for what I had been taught at school about evolution to co-exist with what they were teaching us about our religion. They told me to stop asking questions. And at the end they pulled me aside and asked if I was having trouble at home. If I was being mistreated! Thus the bricks of my faith began to fall and when I was a teen the wall came down. Not long after the sunday school incident I was riding my bike down the street and came to a sudden stop in the middle of the road. I paused as a cloud saturated with rain came overhead and proceeded to rain down on me. But just a few feet away it was dry and sunny. Something came over me. In the face of something so phenominal I realized for the first time there was no God. But my family continued to go to church and I with them. I began to see things there that I had not seen before. Greed, arrogance, glutony, intolerance. Everything I was told was evil grew and breeded there. I am not saying that all churchs/Christians are like this but there...there everything that could have been was murdered by their selfishness and weakness. And so, with time, I stopped going to church and religion faded in my mind. That is until I found myself in the Holyland at the age of 23. Faith and goodness slowly grew in me again and with the past so close at hand I found God again. But not the God I grew up with. Before I left I visited Jerusalem and found that although God was there I could not accept Jesus. I am still not sure if I believe in him as a real man or just a model for us to follow, but I don't believe he died for my sins. My sins are my own. I have always believed that you should be responsible for what you do and if my sins are so evil that I deserve to go to Hell (if it exists) then to Hell I will go and pay for what I have done. And so I find myself still a little confused about what I believe...No one religion rings true with me and I find I must construct the world in a way that has God(s)/Mother Earth/humans...everything. The world has become large enough again in me that they each inhabit part of my mind and heart...I can live once more. Without knowing it I have been on a spiritual journey and have been getting to know myself. If the Kindom of God lies within then by getting to know myself, maybe I have been getting closer to that miracle.

Becoming worthy...

I am more then a little scared. When things seem to be going right the world tends to fall out from under me and I am left withering, alone, in a dark place. Maybe things are different now. That's a dangerous thought. But people are here to support me and I am willing to except their help for a change. I trip and they are there. I fall and they offer me a hand up. I make many mistakes . To err is human, I guess, but to forgive is divine. I am often almost overcome with emotion in public places. I think of them and I am shaken. Tears well up but I hold them back. I don't know if I am worthy of this forgiveness and understanding. I am confounded, perplexed...unworthy. Sometimes I take comfort in rejection. I have failed and should accept my dues. Pay the price for my sins. I am full of guilt, disappoinment (in myself), and only through suffering can I find release. Or so I thought...maybe, maybe someday I can be in a position to help everyone the way they help me. Maybe punishment isn't what I need but release through selflessness. Love is overwhelming me but again I am scared. Scared that if I allow myself to feel again that I will only end up on my ass. I often saw myself as Charlie Brown growing up. Blind trust can hurt. Will I ever feel good about myself? For years I look for another that could understand me and now it is unbelieveable. The feeling of finding someone is so remarkable and when I had only a crumb of hope left. Did I just say that? She IS remarkable, amazing, awesome...but if she is my soulmate and I see some characteristics of me in her (and her in me) does that mean maybe I might be as worthy of love as she? She makes me feel worthy when I hold her in my arms at night. She sleeps with her head on my chest...and again I am overwelmed. But the morning comes all too soon and we release each other into the world again. Love gets me through the day and in love lies the hope.

Changes...

I struggle to find myself in the midst of everything and find that when I do everything changes and I must grow with it. Change is hard and I do not always change into what I want to be, into someone good and kind and selfless. I find myself lost once again now and as I wander around weak and somewhat helpless I find I take on the personality of others. Like so many unfinished puzzles I become a jumble of pieces lying on the floor waiting, hopeing for someone to put me back together again. But its my puzzle and only I can see the picture. If someone else puts it back together the finished result will be their vision not mine. I wait, struggle, to get a foothold again to climb up to where I want to be and when I reach the top I will see a world and as light comes to it again, bold and vibrant, I find the puzzle doesn't end with me.

The Table...

Loss may be hard to deal with but so is fulfillment. The feeling does not linger long with me. In the end all we have is memories and they dont keep you warm at night. They dont hold you and tell you everything is going to be alright. All I have is an empty table and all the chairs are vacant. The candles flicker and grow dim but I remember... hope. Sometimes the past fades for a time and I invite another to share themselves and I share myself with them... we talk...we talk of memories. Trapped. I can not get away from it and someday this will be the past and I will remember. But for now we dine together and fear grips me.

A Quietus

I stalk death but it escapes me once again
ever do I try to capture her but she flees me
"now is not your time" I hear her call
but again I seek her
pouring from me down the drain
she come close but never stays
to linger would be to strip it of its humanity
run, run
the only thing stopping our union
is a this peice of steel
some days I long for you
others I put you from my mind
I have nothing to offer you
and from you I gain relief
joy withour sorrow
pleasure without pain
bliss without agony
I join with her and am released

The Bungled and the Botched...

I spent some time yesterday thinking about all the great minds and creative thinkers and I began to count the number of them that had tormented and dark lives (a good number of which are consider to be "mad" near the end of their lives). I thought of Van Gogh and Nietzsche, Freud and Beethoven and many others. Why are all of these people who did so much for us (whether you think they were right or wrong they did change our perception of the world) suffer so much? Did they change the world inspite of their conditions or were they made by them? Was it some kind of cosmic balance that gave them brilliant minds and made them see things differently but inturn took from them what was owed for these gifts? Was God punishing them for trying to figure out a world without God? Is it just the fate of all humans to suffer and struggle through this world? Is there a limit to what the human mind can do and if you try to push that limit does it end in madness? I once tried to "question everything" and took it very literally and for my efforts I had a complete breakdown that I still don't believe I have recovered from. I don't know what I was thinking... if someone with the calibre of mind as Nietzsche was driven to madness by questioning too much what could I accomplish but a trip to the madhouse. Now I mush admit I was mad to begin with but it took me somewhere I hadn't been before and don't want to go again. I WON'T question everything again. Somethings are just too big. I did learn something about myself though and perhaps about everyone. Before I thought that I was a normal person (yeah I know) who just had some mental health issuses and if I didn't have them I would be able to do the things that everyone else seems to do with ease. Mail a letter, pay a bill, get gas ect. Now I realize that I am not a normal person with some problems, I am bungled and botched, I AM my mental illnesses. Without the bungled and the botched there is nothing. We struggle against our problems and imperfections but I have learned I have to try and work with my problems and accept them to have any kind of harmony. For me a certain amount of planning mixed with a little medication/therapy and a large dash of perspective help me to be me. It is an on going recipe that I can never perfect but if I work at it I can learn to be happy again. I will leave you with a few quotes:

“The public is wonderfully tolerant. It forgives everything except genius.”
— Oscar Wilde

Nietzsche once said, “A man of genius is unbearable, unless he possesses at least two things besides: gratitude and purity.”

Einstein told Rabbi Herbert S. Goldstein "I believe in Spinoza's God, who reveals Himself in the lawful harmony of the world, not in a God Who concerns Himself with the fate and the doings of mankind."

"Perspective may be the only thing that can save a man of genius from himself"

Keep On Trucking...

It seems to me that those who tried the hardest to do what is good for others...to do the right thing, end up getting the short end of the stick. In a world where idoits and the greedy get promoted at an astownding pace the rest of us end up having to take sick or disability leave. Maybe we just bang our heads up against the wall trying to even get the simpliest things done. Things that seem like they should be simply are extremely difficult and things that seem moderate are impossible. Was it always this way? I guess it depends on what you are trying to accomplish. I know of someone who is on stress leave (whether it was his and his doctors idea or his work's idea I don't know). This is a person who is just trying to do what is best for the most of the people in his work life and because it is next to impossible to get things changed the stress just got to be too much. I know of another person who's worry about the family and job caused them to take time off work. Yet another person tried for years to do a job that they found to be torturous and in the end their mental health suffered permanent damage. These are all good people who just care too much and end up getting the shaft. No one but those who have been in this situation seem to understand and I don't know if I want them to...well I want them to but sometimes in order to understand you have to suffer like those people and I wouldn't wish that on anyone. I have to admit I am biased. Too many people in my life suffer from mental health isssues (some of which are biological and some are induced but negative situations). I myself have suffered from mental health issues for... well almost as long as I can remember. Some days even getting out of beed and showering can be a problem. I have been taking medication off and on since I was in...elementary school I believe. I have been on medication from 2003 straight until now and recently have been put on another. Sometimes I feel so sedated...I have trouble staying awake (I use to sleep for 12 hours or more somedays), my concintration is shot and I have trouble with drooling to name a few. I don't like feeling this way and I still have trouble doing some everyday things but I consider the alturnative. Manic depressive, schiztypal, psychotic, anxiety, stress, many different phobias, paraniod, obssesive compulsive to name a few. I scare me. I need the drugs to help me live with myself. I need the therapy to help me deal with what happens to me. I recently had a break down and had an emergency meeting with my doctor and he said I should take time off work and go on disability. Seems simple enough. I went to work and told them, seems simple enough (actually it was very difficult). I have to use up my sick leave before I can go on disability. Ok. I still have yet to rreceive and money for that and I can't call or go into work to talk to them because it is so difficult. I have to get others to help me and fight my battles... sometimes being either way is difficult. Lately I have often thought about cuting myself and sometimes I think about ending it all. But that is the easy way right? So I go through torture everyday and hope for some kind off change or relief. My brother stopped me from killing myself before and that had to be for some reason, right? I go one for the people I love...living for others is easier than living for myself because hey I am not worth it. Wow this turned into something I didnt mean it to... and since I try to do this without editing I will leave it in and leave you until next time by saying "lean on me if youre not strong" because lord knows you let me lean on you.

Rant of the New Year...

I have just finished reading an article in today's Leader Post about "Anti-gang plans need(ing) work". It talked about "strategies to reduce the abundance of gang activity" for at-risk youth like "substance abuse programs, education programs and alternative sentencing measures for criminal offences". It also addressed problems with "agencies that sometimes they have trouble co-ordinating and communicating openly with other agencies because of privacy concerns" and this causes "a duplication of services, making such programs less efficient than they could be". It was suggested that a "governmentally regulated information sharing policy" could help solve this problem. It goes on to talk about how "organized sports could help keep children out of gangs" and blah blah blah. There is always going to be "gangs" as long as kids are kids. You can't force them into programs to make them act "good". Being a kid is about growing up and part of that process (for most of us) includes rebelling. You might be able to "trick" a child into doing what you would like to see them doing BUT they can be smart and will soon figure it out. That can lead them into hating everything you were trying to direct them into and rebelling more. How kids act is only part of the problem, we need to look at how we act and treat them a bit more like how people should act. No deception or lying, no patronizing. Don't tell them what to do, offer advice if they need it and be there for them if they need you. Treat them how everyone should be treated!